Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Simple enough.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Ok but actually
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.