The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
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This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.