A leaf blower, but for people.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Every. Damn. Time.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.