If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…