[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
the simulation is moving too fast
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human