*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.