Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it