Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Pat is about to own someone
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.