Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
stop saying millennials aren鈥檛 having kids. my posts are my children and I鈥檓 deeply disappointed in all of them
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
tfw you鈥檙e leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
love it when they get my name right
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
You can鈥檛 buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
ME: I鈥檓 taking it back.
WIFE: It鈥檚 fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I鈥檓 trying to reply to the dentist.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She鈥檚 already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It鈥檚 all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.