If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
twitter is a journey
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”