*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
the dark web is just a goth google.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet