like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
accurate
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.