I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂