I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
This is amazing.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat