Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Lmao 🤣
same vibe as tangled headphones
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
is nasa ok
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh