“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.