Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
But that’s none of my business
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..