Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Close call…
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.