No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
yes… yes…
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”