A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My biological clock is wheezing.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Every house has this drawer
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.