My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?