Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
<- sleeps well with others
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*