You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.