*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn