AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.