Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.