decorating my apartment
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You deplete me
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
No, he would not have.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.