WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.