just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.