No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?