My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?