I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
You Might Also Like
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Bro what is this
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?