I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When you kidnap a writer.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.