Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
somebody come look at this
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.