I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You Might Also Like
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.