me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Hero horse inspires millions
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.