My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*