[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?