Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili