*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*