Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
What
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium