Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.