sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt