Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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(Jupiter –
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks