I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.