the icebreaker
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
got so much cardio in today
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said