Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
You Might Also Like
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.