My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.