This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Sheep
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler