What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You Might Also Like
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
next question.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.